Public Speaking : SPEAKER HUMOR

** You will remember our next speaker for life . . . if you get run over in the parking lot.

** Our speaker tonight needs no introduction. He / she did not show up.

** Our next speaker will talk about taking control of your life, mastering your own fate and asserting yourself in the world. That is what his / her agent told him / her to talk about anyway.

** When you don't know the answer to a question: I am glad that question came up. There are so many different ways to answer it that one of them is bound to be right. ++Robert Benchley

** A closed mouth gathers no feet.

** Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

** I went to school to become a wit and only got halfway through.

** The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

** I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

** If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

** Work is the most unpopular way of making money.

** Honest Politician: One that when's he is bought, stays bought.

** Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it ++Andrew Young

** The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get to the office. ++Robert Frost

** By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day. ++Robert Frost

** There is nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate. ++Ron Howard

** Conference: A gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. ++Fred Allen

** If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

** A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

** Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

** Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.