Public Speaking : SPEAKER HUMOR

** A boring speaker: One who doesn't go without saying.

** With some corporations quality is their middle name.
The problem is that their first name is "lousy."

** America is a great country. Where else could a CEO
lose a billion dollars and get a 14 million dollar
bonus for it.

** I bought a dog that is a cross between a pit bull and
a labrador retriever. At least if he bites my leg
off, he'll bring it back to me.

** Health care executives are now wearing rubber gloves.
It's not for sanitary reasons. They just dont want
to leave fingerprints on your wallet.

** Im shooting for immortality. It is a long shot I admit,
but someone has to be first.

** I listened to my motivational tapes backwards and
became a failure.

** I always wondered when Im flying if the seat cushion
becomes a flotation device, why can't the plane
become a boat?

** Old Age: When it takes you longer to get over a good time
than to have it.

** Rhyme: Late to bed and early to rise . . . makes you baggy
under your eyes

** I was born during the depression . . . It wasn't the countries
. . . it was my mothers.

** One spouse to the other: "If you really loved me, you would
have married someone else."

** Childrens variations on the Lords Prayer:
"Harold be thy name" or "How did you know my name?"
"Give us this day our jelly bread."
"Lead us not into Penn Station."
"And deliver us from people."

** Economize: To spend money without having any fun at it.

** Original: Dont cross the bridge till you come to it.
New Millenium: Dont cross the bridge till you know its there.

** Customer service?
"Isn't there a smarter clerk to wait on me."
"No, madam. The smarter ones saw you coming."

** Success: Keeping your head up and your overhead down.

** Failure: The path of least persistance.

** Business etiquette: To listen with interest to things you
know about, . . . from someone who doesn't.

** Father to fighting boys:
"What's going on here?"
"Well Dad, it all started when Tommy hit me back."