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Public Speaking - Lost In Translation Humor

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American ad campaign:
"Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely
translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

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Public Speaking - College Humor

SYMPTOMS OF SEMESTER BURNOUT

1. When your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the cookie monster song (C is for cookie, that's good enough for me...)

2. You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54% on the final to pass than you have actually spent studying.

3. When you are swamped with homework and spend your time making up a list like this.

4. When you start showering after class rather than before.

5. The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.

6. When the campus drunk tells you you should study more.

7. When your favorite paperweight says "Sierra Nevada - Pale Ale"

8. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through Monday.

9. When your absence exceeds your attendance.

10. When your study schedule is based on the rationale that you "might" actually die before the test.

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Presentation Skills - Dieting Humor

RULES FOR DIETING:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

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Public Speaking: What If The Banquet Staff Are No Shows?

Thank goodness this doesn't happen often, but it happened to me this past weekend. I had my full day Electronic Marketing camp scheduled for a 7:00 AM setup with attendees to show up around 8:30 AM. I showed up in the room and no one was to be found anywhere.

Here's a checklist of what to do:

1. Immediately use the house phone to call the front desk and ask for the "manager on duty." Start raising a little h _ _ _. I do this simply to get their attention. You might mention something like "breach of contract" which usually gets extra attention.

2. Start opening side doors in the meeting rooms and looking at all the other meeting rooms to see what you can scrounge, tables, extension cords, chairs, etc. Drag them into your meeting room so you can take ownership. (I'm not saying ruin someone else's setup, I'm just saying if no one else's room is set up, then it's their fault if they didn't come down to double check things early so grab what you can.)

3. If you need a screen and none has shown up, (this also happened this weekend) find the most usable section of a white or light colored wall and set the room around that area.

4. If you have a breakfast scheduled or coffee/tea service go directly into the kitchen and start yelling "HELLO." Always have a copy of your contract with you if you have one. Go directly to the chef on duty and see if they can get something going quickly.

5. Don't be afraid to jump in and do things yourself. Move quickly with a stern look on your face. If someone eventually does show up, this demeanor should transmit the idea that you are miffed and there is not time to play games.

Yes, I know some people will say that you should be sickening sweet to get things done, but I'm afraid that when there are deadline time constraints you must get action quickly and many hotel staff people are not in any kind of hurry, so if you want to be ready when those attendees roll in, you have to move people to action.

Oh, one last thing. Always have cash bribes on you to get fast action when you really need it.

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Public Speaking Success - Best Seating Tips

When possible set presentation to the long side of the room so the last row is as close to the presenter as possible. Avoid long narrow rooms which put audience members far from the presentation as if they were in bowling alley. People prefer to sit by aisles.

Avoid chairs next to walls. Audience members will feel trapped. Aisles should get bigger as they get nearer the exits because they must accommodate more people.

Seat for least distraction--no audience member should have to cross more than six people to get to a seat.

Make people sit as close as possible to the front. Force them to front with reserved signs on back tables or keep chairs stacked until all front rows are full. Don't tip chairs up to reserve seats or force people forward because they may trip over the
legs of the chairs.

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Public Speaking Humor - The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers...Courtesy of www.TopFive.com

20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows 7.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*

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Public Speaking - Testing Introduction Humor

Test humor is humor that is placed in your written introduction. It is to be read by your introducer, not by you.

Pick a couple of these lines and stick with them. The real value of test humor comes when you have heard the same line being delivered in your introduction over and over. The laughter of the audience will tell you if they are ready to laugh. This concept is called "in fun" (see Wake' em Up Business Presentations for a additional training.)

NOTE: The "?" is for your name, and most of these pieces of test humor can be used for either male or female presenters

? is one of the greatest speakers ever and that's just not my opinion, it's his/hers too. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

It has been said that ? is the number one man/woman in the field of ???. And here folks is the man/woman who said it. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

The man/woman I am about to introduce is so full of ideas I have heard him described as a manic EXPRESSIVE. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

? is a man/woman who helps people. In fact, he/she would never turn someone away from his/her door if they needed help ...He/she would let them sit there all day if they wanted to. Let's welcome ? (lead enthusiastic applause)

? says she wants to fly to Hawaii for a second honeymoon and she's getting her husband to drive her to the airport.

Public Speaking - Cat Humor

I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ..

--Steve Martin

The cat who doesn't act finicky soon loses control of his owner.
--"Morris the Cat"

Garfield's Law: Cats instinctively know the precise moment their owners will awaken ... then they awaken them ten minutes sooner.
--Jim Davis

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
--Garrison Keillor

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
--W. C. Fields

We have two cats. They're my wife's cats, Mischa and Alex. You can tell a woman names a cat like this. Women always have sensitive names: Muffy, Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow Head. They're nice cats. They've been neutered and they've been declawed. So they're like pillows that eat.
--Larry Reeb

Cat: A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs and patronizes human beings.
--Oliver Herford 1863-1935 American Writer.

A little girl cried. Daddy, Daddy Fluffy is dead. That’s OK dear. Fluffy has gone to Heaven to be with God. What would God want with a dead cat?

I’m not one of those as can see the cat in the dairy and wonder what she’s there for.
--George Eliot.

What astonished him was that cats should have two holes cut in their skins at the exactly the same places where there eyes were.
--Georg Christoph Lichtenberg 1712-1799